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Or maybe it a fork in the road? Which ever it is. . . . I kno eventually I am going to have to make a choice. I just fear what is going to result from the choice I make... which ever it may be. I feel as tho no matter what choice I make I am not going to be 100% happy.
I have been doing a lot of reading online lately, personal journals n such. I am trying to get everything worked out in my head, trying to make sense of the thoughts n feelings that I have been having. The more I read the more I question things . . . and the more afraid I get. I think it would be easier to come to a proper decision if I could just talk to someone openly about this. But I don't kno where I can go or who I can turn to and I am terrified to even approach the subject with anyone. I have already lost everything in my life once... and I worked really hard to get most of it back. This is something that could make all that go away again.
I think of people who I could possibly talk to... and sadly... my girlfriend doesn't come to mind at all.... I am pretty sure she would be against it... or just accuse me of acting like my mother ( Since my mother claims to have any ailment that others have ). I sometime think I could talk to my Aunt since she is a social worker and has worked with a lot of GLBT youth... but then again... things are always different when it's your family. Maybe I could talk to someone who isn't a huge part of my life and use their reaction to gauge... But only having a very small select group of friends... I don't really have anyone to test out with.... With everything I'm dealing with at work I don't dare try n talk to the people here.... Gossip flies around this place faster that a high school....
I tried really hard to explain things to Bean New Years day... But all I got out was " The things you love about me.. I hate" and I started crying.... The first time in like... a year.... and I gave up on it. She has to have an idea... she keeps making comments about me not having to change anything about me cause she loves me as I am.
I must sound like I am just rambling on about non-sense... But basically... I had written in a previous entry that all tho I prefer being seen as a man, I am comfortable with being a woman....
I LIED! 
Ok maybe not lied.... maybe what I was doing was what I have been doing since I was a lil one... telling myself one thing so that I don't have to concentrate on what I am really thinking.... But I think I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that the things I have been feeling & thinking & fighting ever since I was a little kid, I can't keep fighting and running away from... I'm going to be 27 this summer... and I have never been happy or comfortable with myself.... and I think that is far too long to have been running away from myself....
So now..... I don't kno what to do.... Any suggestions. . . .
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| So. . . .
As of late I have been insanely unhappy.... Nothing makes me feel better... I don't kno if it's just the holiday season... which I have never really liked... or if it is all the shit going on...
Work....
Honestly... my job makes me want to shoot myself... I use to love this job... It was an awesome place to be... management was cool...... and then it all changed...
Our new manager is a bible thumping, uptight, jackass. He has gone around and told just about everyone that I am NEVER going to move from where I am because of my lifestyle and my appearance.... Now the person I heard this from I trust,.... and there aren't too many people I trust on this planet... Unfortunately for me... no one is willing to take my side on this so I can protect myself... everyone is afraid of getting fired...
I don't really kno what is wrong with my appearance... true... more often than not I am called sir... I have a mens military style haircut... BUT.... I am always clean, my hair is always neat, My clothes are always pressed, my shoes are always shined, I am always professional & I kno my job better than 99% of the people here.... and I am not even being cocky about that
Family....
Let see... my mother is obsessing about marring this guy she met about 3 months ago... so everything else in her life seems to be taking a back seat.... she isn't even thinking about what my baby sister is going to do when she moves in with her hubby to be... I kno she doesn't want to bring her to her new home...
my other sister seems to be doing well in Iraq.... I hope she gets to come home soon... She is due home in June... but I would like to see that date be sooner...
Relationship....
For 6 years me n bean were that nauseating cute lovey couple...
Recently I don't feel like she really wants to be with me... it seems like she gets mad at me for nothing.... and she keeps saying things like... I feel like we are coming to the end of our relationship... or... I feel like I am losing you.... and until she said that... I didn't feel that way at all.... I just don't get it.... I don't want to lose her....
Myself....
I have been working out twice a day 5 days a week.... weights when I get home in the morning & cardio n abs when I wake up at night.... I am putting as much anger and frustration into my workouts as possible... along with that I have been keeping up with a healthier diet and drinking nothing but water & green tea.... I have noticed a HUGE difference in my shoulders, arms, chest, legs, and back...... my gut area.... that doesn't seem to change at all.... it's still all gross n like I am wearing a fucking floaty tube under my shirt... Bean says she noticed the difference in my gut... I don't think there has been one tho....
Like I said in the beginning I have been very unhappy... My truck took a crap recently... which really sucks cause I LOVED that thing... I got a newer truck but it doesn't even compare.... being at work makes me want to kill myself or someone else....
Uncertainty about myself has been overwhelming.... More n more I am questioning if I really am comfortable with being a woman who just appears man-ish.... for over 20 years I have been able to push away these feelings.... why the fuck can't I now....
I think Bean is noticing even tho I don't talk to her about it.... she knows I can not stand having breasts... not that they are huge or anything... but I just don't like them... I never have.... but all of a sudden... all she wants to do is grab them... and it pisses me off.... then she told me the other day that if I was to get rid of them,... that she would have to question whether or not she could still love me.....
well this has been long and boring.... so I am off
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| I remember...
* Being really little and wondering why I was so different....
* When I was 8 I was convinced that I should have had a penis... so I stole a baby bottle nipple and tried to turn it into a penis... and when my mother found out... I told her I was trying to build a trophy for a race I was planning.... and even tho she believed me I felt the need to draw up plans for both... so I had documented proof....
* Telling my friend Luke that I thought God should have made me a boy... and he thought so too...
* Everyone calling me Lesbo and Dyke... before I ever really understood what they were saying to me
* Having no friends because no one wanted to hang out with the weird He-She
* Being made fun of for not looking girly....
* Wishing that I could wake up n be a guy... so that everything would be ok for me
* Wishing I was gone.... cause it would be easier that being me .....
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Sad thoughts....
For some reason I have been thinking about these memories a lot.... I've been so down.... and I really feel like I have no where to turn...
I spent Thanksgivings alone... My gf went to Syracuse to visit her family, my mom had plans with her fiance, and my sister had plans with her ex.... So I stayed home with the kitties....I was so damn lonely that I tried to contact just about everyone in my phone.... Sad stuff... Last week I had a bunch of people telling me... Oh hun if you need to talk to someone I am here for you... I will always respond to you....
Well no one really responded.... Most ignored my texts and calls.... a few told me they didn't have time for me... I guess I can't blame them... I did have bad timing for feeling the need to talk to someone....
I do not call people... and most of my friends know that... especially one person... and I called her... and she very clearly ignored my calls.... like hit the ignore call button.... then txted me.... will reach out some other time... don't think that will happen....
Me thinks... I am going to devote a lot of time to my workouts... n try to focus my frustration n sadness on the weights... If I can't talk about it... maybe I can work it out in other ways....
I dunno... I feel lost inside of me
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I really feel like my job is setting me up to fail & get fired. . . . this twisted horrid feeling in my gut makes me not feel anything good about my job.... they are firing a lot of people right now.... not that we can afford to have any less officers... but that doesn't seem to matter...... and all the people getting fired are the ones that have been here for a while.... right now.... every stupid report I send in seems to need to be re-written over n over again.... when they never had any issues with them before.... despite the fact that I am always here and always stay late and hang over for the fuckwads that don't come in without calling & without getting fired... I keep getting shit for not taking extra shifts ontop of what I already do.... And somehow having my sister home from Iraq for 2 weeks wasn't a good enough reason for them as to why I couldn't do OT for a little while.... and Sunday when she left I got bitched out for not agreeing to stay for a second shift so I can see my sister before she left for another 6-8 months..... then got told I had to come straight back to work after .... fuck that, I said no... I didn't have my truck and I wasn't about to fuck over Bean n take her car ...... I kno they are keeping track of all this stupid shit too....
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I haven't been feeling very good about much of anything lately.... I feel so down n shitty almost all the time... I don't kno why.... I just can't shake it.... and I don't feel like I have anywhere or anyone to turn to.... but at the same time I don't kno what the fuck I would say
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| *sigh*
Ok.... so... My sister is home from Iraq till the 22nd... which is awesome that she isn't over there for a little bit....
She looks really different... she lost a lot of weight... which she didn't have much to spare.... her hair is very short... but somehow doesn't look that bad... Is good to see her tho....
My aunt came up or over or whatever from DC to see her... I went to go see her at my mothers house today straight from work.... as usual my mother was on edge cleaning everything... or at least pretending to clean everything.... My youngest sister was in a pissy mood too...
At one point my Aunt went into my sisters room to talk to her... and my aunt was getting on my sister for dropping out of college already and not doing anything with herself... which I don't see as overly horrible cause she is 18 and already working on going back to school.... and then I hear my aunt say " Do you want to end up like Shana?? You see how she struggles". . . . 
Now this isn't the first time I have been used as a bad example of something my baby sister doesn't want to be... Altho it's usually my mother saying it...
But... that just irritates the hell out of me....
First of all... I was like 6 ft away... practically in the same room.... you have to kno I can hear you.... Second of all... How have I ended up?? I work hard for everything I have and want, I have a home, I support me n my girlfriend, I help out my mom n my sisters all the time.... How is that a bad thing?? ....Third... How do I struggle??
Yes it is true I didn't go to college and sure I am not making ass loads of cash.... and every once in a while I do encounter a pay period where it is hard to pay bills.... BUT.... I make more money than most people I kno... a lot of which have gone to college.... I make almost double what my mother makes... and she works 2 jobs.... and even when I do encounter the times where money is tight.... I NEVER EVER ask anyone for help.... I take care of it myself.... So where is my struggle?? Other than the one in my head... that no one other than me n this webpage knows of.....
It's so frustrating knowing that I work really hard for everything I have & want, I work really hard on building up my photography skills & reputation, I take care of me n my girlfriend and my family, I do it all on my own.... and my family sees that as... nothing...
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